Friday, March 29, 2019

Crossed the line

Arghhh!!!! 😡😡😡😡


U crossed the lines sooooo many times this morning!


Don’t mess with me especially when I’m so lacked of proper sleep and hearing tasha cry one more time makes me wanna pull my hair out!


I usually just ren your bad mood and attitude but just once in awhile or at least for this period of time, can’t u just watch your attitude towards me?!??!


If you don’t praise my sacrifices and effort daily or often then don’t crash it daily!

Cos I’m already doing the fucking best I can!



U try la! Wake up every few hours through the night seeing your elder kid n Husband sleeping away. Yet both of them can wake up acting and saying they’re more tired than you! 🙄


U try functioning on a short fuse, plus pain at your wound, plus feeling so damn hot all the fucking time, plus your body going through all these changes, plus.... aiyah forget it....


U won’t understand and you won’t....... I wanted to say u wont care.


But I know u do. So I won’t say that in anger.


I just wish you would make a little more effort to be more understanding and less harsh with your words.. 


U speak so strongly about how our boss don’t bother to take the time to speak to GT to understand his circumstances....

But have u taken the time to speak to me about deeper stuff.. to hear how my day went for once? About how shitty I feel about not measuring up at work? Do u know that I’m even feeling this way?



Your last sentence to me before u left for work “I don’t know what time I will come home. I need to work. I have to stay outside.”


😤


I foresee many more silent wars and quarrels in the coming few weeks esp once Aunty goes home....


God help us please.... let us combine and conquer! Us uniting in tiredness against the kids and not breaking down because of them....


God help us..... Ameen..

Wednesday, March 27, 2019

Pain everywhere

Today I feel weak!


I’ve been having a bad headache since ytd night that doesn’t go away!


As the little girl nurses right now, all I want to do is go untie the massage wrap... then take 2 Panadol and hide in the room and sleep everything off!


I don’t want to feed her... I don’t want to watch don later when he gets home... i don’t even want to eat dinner.


All I want is the headache to go away and to stop perspiring all the God damn time! And also for the pain I’m suddenly experiencing at the wound to go away...


I wish I can tell wp to not go for his night appt so that he can help watch the boy but I know I shldnt cos it’s money... 


Why am I so weak?!?!! 


Now still got nanny to help with girl....... I don’t think I’m strong enough...........

Saturday, March 23, 2019

Day 14 of confinement

Wow half way mark of the 28days confinement period—


Feels like time flew by the past 2 weeks! Where did it go?!?!! 


1st week was really more of a getting used to the whole new baby in the house vibes plus setting up a routine. Then hiccups and frustrations along the way because of mummy and her many ethics....


This past week was more settled. Managed to settle some work stuff along the way plus baby shower stuff...


And lo n behold, it’s day 14! Can’t believe in about 2 weeks time, it’s all up to us!!! With don, I remember how depressed I was when the nanny left. I think I even cried! 

😂😅


This time round I think I will cry out of frustration and tiredness..... my aim in the coming week is to sleep more!!! Less handphone usage and more sleep time.... 😬


Sleep debt will never be repaid but better enjoy now then never again (till maybe baby#3? ) ... hahah...


Oh man! The fear of managing everything on our own is too much.....


Time to go distract myself... realised I haven post up the entry abt the details of the delivery... will do that asap...

Thursday, March 14, 2019

Count my blessings

Blessed.


Only word I can use to describe the love, care n concern that we have been receiving. Especially from wp’s parents.


Even before meimei arrived, the weekly Saturday dinners were cooked with more thought because of the GD..


How mil even activated sil to come over to help us clear up the house months before baby was due.— 2 full Sundays were spent just clearing and cleaning and dusting... only family can give such selfless support. Good family support!


Then when they found out about the crazy hbp issues, even more concern poured in!


Now as I sit here feeding dear Tasha, can’t help but to feel blessed... because the pil are here again this morning with more food and stuff to feed me (aka baby also la)...


Like so far all these groceries, they didn’t even mention about getting a single cent from us! And only papa is working... really feel bad!


Just wish can somehow get a windfall then give them abit more so that both of them can go for the trip to China that I know papa wants to go to......


After all that I’ve seen them do for me (and wp), all the support the last week plus when I was in hospital, with mama coming over to help watch don despite having her own stuff to take care of............


感动。感恩。


Thank you God for putting all of them in my lives..... I haven given thanks properly in prayer since delivering last week.... Ameen Ameen Ameen......alhamdulilah....

Wednesday, March 13, 2019

Baby Update 8

9th Feb:

Almost end of wk33... baby girl ah, why are u making mummy come up with a new issue every other day ah?


First was the uncontrollable high sugar level. When we figured out the best way to control that, u suddenly made mummy have a whole day of brown discharge... gave me a scare.. end up was nothing.


Then now, bo tai ji, my pressure readings all so high for the whole of today! 140+/100+


Why one thing after another ah baby! How to chiong and earn that little bit more before u come out like that?!?!!


I was all ready to go in office and do some proper appt setting for the coming week somemore. Now like that I also scared to pack up my next week! 😣


Resting bp reading alrdy 140+.. if go work dunno how sia!


Or is this God’s way of making my delivery ‘cheaper’? Aka pre-eclampsia 🤔


As long as I don’t suffer a stroke or some brain damage or heart attack because of this can le!


Haiz... seriously ah......



11th Feb:

Ure proving to be an expensive baby in the making, Natasha!


So after many high readings on sat, plus giddiness n headache, we decided to go KKH ytd morning.


Spent $490 on a blood test to see if it’s pre-eclampsia (PE). U know the super annoying thing?


When we got to the hosp, all my readings there were within the normal range! 😡


Showed the doc my crazy readings on sat, but cos I wasn’t showing anything at that point, she seemed to not be apparently too concerned.


But she did ask me to get admitted so that they can run some blood test. We decided to do the test but go home n monitor.


Said they’ll call within 4-6hrs if it’s PE. But so far no call. So I guess it’s good news in a way?

At least at this point, we know it’s not PE.


The headaches and giddiness really got me concerned la.... 


But since ytd afternoon till this morn, all readings have been good. Looks like just needed to spend that $490+! Heng chose not to admit.. otherwise will be even more ex! Smart choice me! Hahah...


Pattern 多多 leh baby.... u better just be doing well in there ok! May your lungs mature properly and may you stay in there safely and healthily till wk37 at least..


Don’t rush to come out so fast ok! Mummy still got a lot of things haven settle....



21st Feb:

So many things happened the last few days... as of 2 days back, doc say u weigh 3.8kg!!!! And this is at wk35! 😱🤦🏼‍♀️


How to last till wk37 u tell me... my tummy give u stretch until no hope already!


Part of me wants u to come out...... however there’s a part of me that wants to keep u close within me for just awhile longer...........


Yr pushes n kicks may be very painful at times.... but this feeling is soooo surreal.... it may very well be the last time I get to experience such a feeling...

(Your daddy n me too la actually are thinking twice abt #3 because of all these health issues this time round!)


Anyway tmr we’re meeting with dr Choo... let’s see what she says... pls cooperate and stay close with me till March 7th ok?



24th Feb:

Finally some time to update since your korkor is still napping and for some reason I cldnt complete my 2hr intended nap...


These few days I’m exhausted most of the time! If I sit for long, I’ll have trouble walking. Esp the first few steps... same problem if I start walking after getting up from a lying down position.


So basically I’m in pain as long as there a transition of position change.


Emotionally I’m doing ok I guess... can finally say most things are in place for your arrival little one. Except for the clearing of the study table which is next on my to-do-list tmr...


It was a tedious process of getting soooo many things done the last few months! Can’t believe we’re just about 2weeks away to holding you!


8th March is the date! That is if you don’t suddenly make mummy’s body go crazy and have to do an earlier procedure.


Actually truth be told, I hope that happens on the 7th! Hahah..


Besides the pressure readings and giddiness for now, doc says it doesn’t look like PE cos no signs of protein in the urine. And this is making me upset somehow! Hahah... like just appear already! So that I know I can claim the whole bill from insurance and also my ticket to my own single bed room is confirmed! 😆😬


Really praying that it happens soon... otherwise hoping also that dr Choo keeps to her word and put down the diagnosis of PE on the delivery admission.... sighzz 

Boy do I hate uncertainties....


Oh man, the boy is awake... update again soon I hope!


28th Feb:


So I got warded for observation ytd in the end... cos blood pressure went up to the 150+ range since mon n tues.. so on weds dr Choo decided to admit me to check it out.


Sadly however till now still no protein showing in the urine. The uncertainty of whether this is considered PE is annoying.. 


Actually dr Choo say she will term it as PE alrdy la.. but u know what’s the annoying thing?


Ever since admission, my blood pressure readings is in the Suuuuupppper good range!

Like even better than before pregnancy kind.

110-120/ 70-80 kind! 

Wth?!??! 


If I were dr Choo, I sure suspect whether all those self taken readings are bullshit anot!

Heng the readings at her clinic taken by her staff were high at times too!


Baby, u just want mummy to have a staycation right? Girls are the best! Hahah...

Oh wait, or this is sibling rivalry right from the womb! U just want mummy all to yourself... without korkor Don around? Hahahah...


In any ways, I think doc wants to bring u out sooner than the 8th of March... so looks like your birth date is gonna change again soon!


Let’s see how it goes....



2nd March:

Feeling so much self-pity shit for myself now! Hah...


Got discharged ytd but since I’ve been home, pressure readings will go up as long as I’m not lying flat on the bed!


So I’ve finally figured all why readings were all so good in the hospital....


And so why do I feel so shitty now? Cos my head is pounding... just took 2 Panadol.

Also cos my lunch is not here yet.

And also cos my good dear boy is playing on his own so well outside (fine, his grandma is doing an alright job playing with him too for the past few hours)..... and I feel guilty that his mummy is so weak....


But really thankful that he’s abit older so it seems like he is able to play on his own and somehow understand that I can play for now.


That or thank you God! 


If nothing goes wrong, maybe we’ll really see you in 5 days Natasha!


Pls don’t have anything go wrong!


Mummy wants u here quicker cos of all these discomfort but I don’t think ure ready for this world too......


Bake a little longer ya........ it’s alright..... mummy will try to tahan all these...


Dear God, I just pray not to have any seizure like previously, or to lose my eyesight (pls don’t let that happen!), or to have a stroke/heart attack........ 


really hope dr Choo still feels that it’s PE cos it seems protein is not showing up in the urine as of ytd...and I think blood works look clear too..

So I’m hoping she doesn’t change it to pregnancy hypertension!


God bless us please... I need this to be covered under pregnancy complications...

Tuesday, March 05, 2019

THE Night Before

It’s now 10.35pm... I’m lying on the hospital bed with jay chou playing in the background on my ipad.....


I pictured this moment a few days back because I know I want to record down the very emotions I’m feeling right now. And so quickly, today is THE DAY!


Oh God!


Tmr we’ll be welcoming our 2nd child into this world! How everything is going to change just like that! In less than 9hrs!


I’m excited to see how she’ll look like....

I’m scared of the pain from the spinal epidural...

I’m dreading the pain from the c-Sec wound thereafter....

I’m worried that she’ll be a handful to handle!

I cant wait to hug this little person that has been growing in me for soooo many months!!! 


With don, I didn’t really get this moment to really reflect and write down anything. It just happened!


Arghh... You know what, I expected this post to be much better written! Hahah but I dunno why the words are not coming out right......


I’m just feeling so sleepy right now... haha.. the cosy lighting doesn’t help!


I thght I’ll be in a mess of emotions and tears... maybe that will come in tmr morning? Haha..


Oh man... how does one prepare the mind and heart for the arrival of another little human being?


The hubs says he’s ‘Nike— just do it’


I’m freaking out...... all the night feeds, the crying (!), the deciphering of baby cries, the torture of pumping (or maybe breastfeeding if this girl allows me to).....


Then there’s also the worry of her health condition..


Oh God please let dear Natasha be in the bestest of health! Let her lungs, heart and everything be perfectly formed!


Let her give a nice hearty cry when she comes out.. let her sugar levels be alright....


Please just let our little girl be in good health and also for the surgery to go well..


Don’t let me freak out on the table tmr...


And please don’t let the stitches hurt............ please let the pain level and everything be like how it was with don!


Oh man.... more I type, more I’m panicking!


Hahah, not helping the blood pressure issue! Think I better stop here...


It’s already a blessing that so far she has not made an earlier than expected surprise appearance (like her Brother!)


Wk 37.... wow.... thank God for bringing us this far!


Please dear God to continue to bless our little family.. ameen...

Friday, March 01, 2019

importance of good family support

Times like this, I feel that a strong family support is sooooo very important!


Like all may not be staying together in 1 house, but the knowledge that ure able to depend on someone in the family is really priceless!


It’s touching to see the number of people who are willing to offer their help over the last few days when we needed extra hands and eyes to watch don while I was at the hospital for observation.


How wp’s folks and sis offered time n even money to assist us....


And like how now when it looks like I need absolute bed rest, I know there are ppl like wp’s side and Mel’s side to outsource don to...

AND I know he shld be well entertained!


Just need to settle some stuff before meimei comes then I will repay this time-loss debt to my poor boy...


He has been soooo good these last few days... self entertaining and basically letting me rest if I need..

(As long as he doesn’t see me.....)


But I feel bad cos mummy just lets him play on his own the whole time and don’t bother to interact much... which if he gets bored after awhile, he’ll start to whine n go koo-Koo....

And I dislike how she snaps at him at times too.. like we do it cos we’re sooo exhausted so temper is short.

She just does it because she can! 😡


Haizz... Guess the only other person who can keep him occupied is shaf... but she’s so busy with work too... so that’s one person lesser to outsource to..


But seriously as I lie here in bed typing this, I’m just fearful that I’ll suddenly seizure again or something when no one is around or at the most inconvenient time!

Because the way my heart beats at times, I’m worried that I’ll stroke out or get a heart attack man!


Please let this birth story of meimei be a plain boring one.......

Let me just wait out the full 37wks then deliver nicely as planned!


Please please please ok?