One year on (20.05.20)

How quickly time goes by......

How are you doing over on the other side? How come you have not come into my dreams at all this past year? Or does such things not happen?

The other day I passed by the place which I think is where I saw you in person for the last time.

I didn’t know it then..... but I remember that I was just frustrated with the many inconveniences you were causing.

You were asking for more money and I was fed up because I know that you were not using it wisely.

But I’m not going to go into that now.... not today not ever cos we just don’t speak bad about the people who have left... tts what I honestly feel...

Whenever I think about you, I refuse to think about the last few years of your life. Because I feel that those years have taken away lots of credit.

To me, you will always be remembered as the father who woke up early to drive us to school during primary school. (I salute you for that cos I now know that driving your kid to sch every morning can be exhausting on some days!)

You’re the one with the lame jokes and sniggers we shared about mummy having shares in NTUC because of the way she buys things..

Daddy, do you know I now enjoy buying things from ntuc too? 😢

You would wake up early to enjoy your morning coffee with the Strait Times.. oh before which u would do some stretching and fart so much!

(Back then I was always so disgusted by your farts. But you know daddy, my husband now farts waaaaaay more than you 🙄)

Back then i would see you calling up some clients almost every night after dinner. Your accent will change as you said that’s how people feel more comfortable. —- I now know how impt it is to stay in contact with clients and whenever I think back upon this, I force myself to try and have the discipline like you to pick up the phone! 

Very often I feel wrenched that I didn’t see the signs of you losing your mental strength. I was so busy with everything else in my life.

Just having started a busy career, I was adapting to working life. I worked long hours and weekends...

It’s because of you that I am so much more aware of the importance of mental health. Like it shldnt be a shame to talk about it— with your spouse or family or basically anyone

I’m sad that it was still a taboo topic in your time..

I knew you were struggling every since the fall of your business. Though you shared some, you never really shared all your burdens with us. Sadly not even with your wife (or maybe you did and I don’t know)..... Maybe you thought that we were still young.

Maybe that’s why you lost it........ I know I would too............ esp with the way mummy is..... 

As a parent now, I can understand that it’s hard to share deep worries with your kid as you don’t want them to worry. Esp about money matters....

I rmb you mentioning that we needed to chip in to pay for the bills but I just let it pass. I blame my ignorance and youth to not see the seriousness of things.

Guilt.

Up till now I still can’t shrug that off. Wp says I need to let it go.

You know it’s like seeing the last few minutes before someone drowns and yet you didn’t help. How does one let go of that guilt?

Maybe time..... time and definitely God’s Grace!

I hope that uncle didn’t lie and that you didn’t suffer much towards the end. I just feel like shit cos we couldn’t make it there in time.

But once again i think God knows that I wouldn’t be able to take it.

Yesterday your only grandson and I even said a little prayer for you.... I really think that you 2 would have had such a ball if you were still with us now. As in all that divorce and shit didn’t happen........ 

Don’t worry, I will still talk to him about you ok. And eventually when Tasha is older, I will tell her too...

I hope where you are right now, you’re happy and your wise self! Yes, you were always the wise one. I hope you’re filled with the same spark as how I remember you to be in your 40-50s....

(Thinking back, things really went downhill after we shifted out of shunfu... sighs)

I’m sorry daddy for everything.... I really hope you’ll let me know some way that you’re ok.

Dear God, i pray for you to forgive the mistakes and sins that my dad did especially towards the last few years of his life.

Thank you for blessing him with a home and family in India to take care of him. And for his funeral to be taken care of nicely. Ameen..

I love you daddy...... ❤️

(Sigh....My eyes are sure to be sensitive and swollen tmr from all these tears 🙈)