Please Stop These Tests

Things got better and then bad again...

I really wanna just blame it all on the hormones but I'm really not sure if tts all to it..

I refuse to think tt I'm clinically depressed but I can't seem to control my emotions these days! 

Maybe is going through a growth spurt or something.. But I'm soooo worn out by him esp these 2 days.. 

And I hate myself for the way I'm handling him too! I hate to hear his crys and I'm treating him too rough.. I catch myself doing in and change it right away.. But sometimes the action is done alrdy and I super hate myself..

What kind of mother will wanna hurt her child?

But at times I really snap.. Can't take it le..

N esp now since the hubs was doing his reservist, he comes home soooo tired everyday tt I feel so bad to even ask for his help.. But as much as I don't want to ask for it, I know if I don't, I think I'm really gonna lose it.. Like for real..

I'm feeling so lousy all the time.. And depressed.. I'm v aware of it so i keep snapping myself out of it but at times like now, I just can't handle it anymore....

God, oh God... Please stop testing me.. Pls stop pushing me further... I really can't take it anymore for now... Hold back your tests for me ok?

I know you're trying to make me stronger... But not all now ok.. Please....

Breaking!

我真的不行了...

Just cried my eyes out.. Had a bad day. Plus not well.. Plus my dear mum dunno how to help me properly so that I can rest awhile more just now.

Plus now the tubs is refusing to sleep! Eyes close, lie awhile sudden cry and wake up again! Repeat cycle 3 freaking times!!!

I can't take it le.. Normal days, I would ask the hubs for help me.. But seeing how tmr he got to report at 6.30am!

All I can say now is FML!!! Really...... I think I mentally can't take it anymore for now le..

Plus tmr I got to leave house at 6.45am for a company event.. So another early day for me too!!

Great, now add a crazy dog who keeps barking at the closed door!

God, please... Enough for now ok? I don't want to suddenly reach breaking point then no return...

Why is she like that?!?!!!!

Was in the room and msg her this cos I'm not feeling well, so was lazy to walk out to the living room..

She walked in soon after saying "so you want me to feed him now ah? Cos u say don't drag the timing."

Kill me la!!! Or better, kill her! Fuck la.. Still can give me attitude when I say go read the msg properly.. Cos if I type like tt u can't understand must let me knw..

Cos now I'm home for u to double check..

What I didn't get to say: but what if I'm out and you totally misunderstood my point!!!

U tell me fucked up or not! Make mistake don't admit, never mind. Still wanna show fucking attitude!!!

Arghhh i super cannot take it le la!!!!! Super!!! Can practically feel my pressure going up.. Head is soooo pain!

What the fuck is wrong with her ah... I talk, she can misunderstand.. Say I talk not clear..

Type msg she can ALSO misunderstand!!! I type in English leh!!! Not some foreign language which is not her main language LEH!!!!

Oh God! Today has been such a bad day! Starting all the way from where Don Don woke up way earlier than his expected feed time and didn't wanna sleep.. 

Lousy Planning!!!

Seriously!!!

Why does she get on my nerves so much!!!!

I know I'm very lucky to have someone in the family to help me watch over baby when hubs n I are at work..

But her planning really sucks major!!!

Baby needs attention these days and yet she busies herself with all other shit stuff!

N when I need help sometimes, she appears so damn fucking busy too! Fine, not appear but she go busy herself with stuff too!

I understand there is endless stuff to do in the house.. But prioritise la woman!!

Some ppl will say 生在福中不知福... Some will say I stressing her too much...

But ok, suddenly cool down a little..

Maybe yes, I expect abit from her.. But simple thing like what just pissed me off, come I say.........

Cos tmr I'll be away for work the whole day.. N hubs is in reservist now..

So it's just her and the baby.. N this tods now don't really take a long afternoon nap. Ard 30-45mins max! 

So 1-5 is actually playing time with him.. If he's in an ok mood, he'll play on his own...

Otherwise~

So just to preempt her,I said... Cook ur lunch for tmr too cos u'll be alone with baby (baring in mind this person has no qualms whatsoever to eat overnight food! Heck, even few days old also can!)

Then she said, I got no time to cook now.. Tmr then cook! U tell me stupid or dumb!!!! Arghh!!!!

If tmr u can cook, I tell u to cook today for what fuck!

Still can say got nothing for her today.. AND she can say this when she JUST came back from the market! Kill me la!

Aiyah, just needed to vent and the hubs sure won't entertain me over msg plus he shld be busy now too!

Just that sometimes, I wish I can just take care of him myself all the way!

But no choice, work calls.. Plus my job is alrdy v flexible as it is..

Just can't wait to try out the schedule we planned where either hubs or myself will be home to take care.. Hopefully boy can be more taken care off then!

Cny 初七 + 人日 + V-day

We had the best view perfectly from the comforts of our own room!! Haha...

The perks of staying on a decent level with pool view... 

I already soooo know what I'm gonna say when I sell this place man! --perfect view of the pool area from all rooms and the living room too!

(Or at least tt was what caught my attention when I first came to see this place)

Was a nice start to this Sunday...

It's also Valentine's Day! (Not tt the hubs have planned anything)

Also not tt I'm v into v day la...

Too commercialised! Things are a all overpriced on this day...

But it wld be sweet if he just wished me properly with a kiss and a nice sincere hug....

But I know that I can #keepondreaming 😒

Don 17-20wks

8th jan:

Don Don, it's your FIRST cny with us!!! You looked so cute in the red Chinese.. errmm what do u call tt suit for boys? Girls is qi pao, then boys leh? Hahah, ltr ask yr daddy...

But regardless so, u looked cute in it la.. And it was quite big.. I'm quite proud tt we managed to buy it during our Shanghai trip at a good price too!! S$10 for something tt was selling at least ard S$17++ at cheapest!

So it was a good buy!! :)

Here's a sleeping pix of you when we visited your 大伯公 (ah gong's big brother) house.. U happily slept on their bed..

Then at your ah ma's sister's house after changing your diapers:

10th jan:

So cute how you just self soothed yourself to sleep while I was pumping...

And lucky thing you were covering your eyes cos the stupid flash came on and I didn't even expect it cos it's alrdy 9am!

U this Little grouch ball seemed to have level up after the full day of visiting on cny day 1... seems to act a little differently on day2...

Then again it may all be because of over stimulation! Hahah...

13th feb:

Donnie!! Ytd u did a full flip from your back onto your tummy!!! Daddy captured it on video..

But mummy was bathing and missed everything! Daddy said u even did it many times!!!

However till now u still refuse to do it again to let me see.... 😒

Also today u gave a full actual laugh when daddy was playing with you!!! 

Not just your usual smile or gummy smile plus kick legs n fling hands..

But a proper laugh with sound plus the gummy smile!!! :)

U got a nice laughing voice! Hahah... (But I just realised that your dimples didn't show wor.... Hmm... Weird)

Haix, and once again it's something daddy did and when I tried to make you laugh out loud again.......... 😒

22nd feb:

Yr daddy is gonna be away for reservist the nxt 2 days.. Will be back on wed..

So it's just gonna be you, me & grandma..

Really appreciate the fact that I got to spend this Monday home with you... Just lazing ard.. Tummy-timing and chatting.. Little simple stuff without all the pressures of work..

But it's back to work tmr.. So you'll be in the care of grandma. Really hoping she'll rmb to change yr diapers more often and also to show u more concern.. Like really spend time playing,talking to you..

Instead of watching tt damn TV! Really hate the TV sometimes.. Cos yr daddy can be really fixated on it too..

Ohh Ohhh.. Donnie I tell u ah, tt day u shitted a few times in a matter of a few hours.. So daddy n I got tired changing yr diapers..

And cos it stinked really bad.. Haha.. So I was wondering if u cld smell it..

Then you know what your terrible daddy did? He took the dirty smelly diaper and let u smell!!! 😝💩

U didn't even give a flinch! But come to think of it, u did give a curious look.. Quite funny..

So I told yr daddy, "now u let him smell his dirty shit filled diaper, next time..... Hah, he will change yr old man shit diaper and let YOU smell ah!!!"

Heheh.. Pls don't do tt nxt time ok Donnie.. Cos mummy n daddy loves you lots lots..

We are giving you everything we can.. So pls love us when we are older (and weaker/naggy-er/stupider/slower) as how much we love you..

2nd March:

Oooo! I'm sooo happy! Today you and mummy went on our 1st solo car trip out together!

You were an absolute champ in your car seat! Thankfully u were willing to be entertained in tt short drive with a story played on the iPad..

Yes yes, I decided not to risk it and just succumbed to using a gadget for distraction..

Still, u were such a good company during  our short coffee session! :)

Really super pleased abt it!

Though I think half the time u were busy listening in to the conversation of those 2 young chaps and their colourful language! Hah!

Regardless so, u made mummy really happy for those 2 hours.. I even managed to clear some work and send out some emails! :)

Thanks God for looking out for me and my son.. I know that You know that I needed this.. Thanks for loving me and blessing me with this good tempered boy! :)