2nd and last post of 2023

Was scrolling back the blog and only saw 1 post in 2023!

Hah! And it’s now already the last day of the year!

I rmb the first 5mths of 2023 being back to back packed with activities..

I thought I would be able to better manage Don’s sch time and stuff since he’s in p2. But often time was still stretched thin!

Dunno what happened in Jan, feb was cny, March wp’s reservist, april dunno what happened, May I went for cruise and came back with covid to infect the whole family then didi got hospitalised, june was don’s 2nd June holidays —— what a crazy 1st half!

2nd half was when things started to get exciting! Work wise at least!

The real game changer was definitely the mdrt bootcamp by Jensen in August!

Just for memory sake, I need to record down that as of August, my shortfall towards MDRT (55k) was 35k FYC! 35k to be done in 5mths leh!

Limbu last time at best also take one whole year to do 40k! It’s the mindset really.. 

I have to say the past few months were so humbling and surreal!

I cleared MDRT by early dec and was about 22k fyp to clear Budapest.

By the grace of God and all the powers of the universe i managed to clear that Budapest figure on 23rd dec! 

Hahahah but I think soooo stressed until now period overdue!

I can’t help but to say that I’m so damn proud of my work this year! 1st MDRT after 17years in the biz!

Loooong overdue but still o’ soooo sweet!!!

The icing on the cake was clearing convention too! After sooooo many years! ☺️

Really must thank wp for asking me to go do it after the district meeting on 11th dec! I already Pang gang mentality actually but he said “go do it!” 

The power of a supportive co-worker who is also a spouse… so double power! Lol…

The other side of things is that I wasn’t really able to spend much time with Don during his dec holidays this round!

I just need to put in more effort to make it up over the months! Exciting times ahead!

Arghh I’m so distracted now by the littlest bum! Anyway I’ve penned down most of what I wanted to remember 2023 by!

It was definitely a big win on the career side of things!

Health wise has been alright too.. of cos I really really need to work harder on losing weight in the coming year

Here’s to a healthier, happier, wealthier & harmony filled life in 2024!!! 

Rest In Peace, Cashy

22.04.23

This evening we lost a furry member of the family.

Our dear Cashy would have turned 11 in just about 2months time… 

She’s my first and last dog. And as I type this for the sake of memory, I’m just filled with guilt and regret…

Of how little time I spent with her in recent years— esp after didi was born..

Last Dec when she was diagnosed with Cushings, it was a wake-up call and I guess also a tiny mental prep of what was to come..

I know that one day I’ll need to call the pet cremation number but I still couldn’t stop the tears from flowing tonight.

Cashy, thank you for being a very considerate fur baby to us in many ways… Though u spent your entire life refusing to be toilet trained, u never made us have to worry about your health throughout your life with us.

I’m grateful that you didn’t have to suffer over a long period of time. I’m grateful that I managed to hold u just a little bit longer and closer this afternoon after your shower because u sat on your diarrhoea.

Thank you for choosing us. Run free and run happily over the rainbow bridge Cash!

Love you baby!

26.06.2012 - 22.04.2023

Walking on eggshells

The eerie silence and fake sense of peace that follows a loud violent shouting match….

Pounding hearts.. messed up minds.

Words hurled, impulsed actions.

The people who get hurt are EVERYBODY.

I grew up in such an environment and hated the feeling of walking on eggshells…

Sadly of recent months, this hatred nightmare feeling is happening more and more often.

I wish you know how much it hurts from my point of view.

The relationship taken for granted. Me, taken for granted.

Your son asked “why daddy say he want to beat you?”

His innocence…… one day he’ll fully understand and I hope he won’t grow up like that.

I will fight to protect my kids for now, till they can protect themselves.

I will fight for what is right and not abusive actions hidden behind the excuse of discipline.

I hated growing up in such an environment. And the last thing I want is for my own kids to go through the same.

Sometimes I hear them laugh and shout so happily, and my heart breaks a little… because who knows when you’ll go crazy and shout at them for just being kids instead of just a stern warning 

Parenting is tough as shit! I’m not perfect. We’re not perfect.

It’s so easy to say “then from now on I don’t care anymore. U handle..”

And at those times, I wonder if we really made the biggest mistake of having 3.. should have just have none…

I blame myself for bringing them to life.

Kids are the reflection of their parents. And we’re like shit with shitty tempers!

Many days of late, I feel sooo so sorry to them…….. 

Fuck procreation

I know I’m irrationally upset and messed up hormones again not helping the matter.

Backstory: Don doesn’t have sch today and the hubs went to kajiao him by asking whether he wants to go fishing KNOWING that don hasn’t complete his presentation which is this Wednesday!

Aka he knows the boy sure can’t go fishing even if he wanted to.

What pissed me off or made me really upset is that don said that I purposely didn’t want to allow him to go.

You know now that I’m trying to dig deeper into why I’m fed up…. It’s the feeling of being misunderstood and accumulation of frustration towards the kids.

It’s been awhile now… I see what a shitty child I’ve been to mummy, and how her other 2 kids are shitty to her too..

I see how most kids (aka my clients) speak to their parents with the lack of patience. Then they all say that kids will always treat their parents this way.

You know how ppl always talk about taking calculated risk? Why am I putting soooo much of myself and time and energy and every damn thing towards 3 bums who one day will treat me like crap?

Yea, there may always be the chance that they won’t… but aiyah, I tell u, with the way we’re always shouting at them, and their anger, I highly doubt they’ll be those soft spoken, lovely towards their parents type of kids (all thanks to the hubs crude way of speaking 😒)

I don’t need any validation but honestly I really don’t think I am a good mum. It doesn’t come naturally to me and yes, I’m just a very selfish person.

The only reason why I’m still taking care of this bunch and giving them every bit of myself now is because I feel that it was my error that I brought them into this world. (Fuck the natural mentality of procreation)

So since it’s alrdy happened, then fml and bring them up properly.

But days like today…… I feel sorry for myself. My soul feels drained. And I wish I could turn back time….

I’m in so much physical pain! 😣

My whole body is aching.. my shoulder/neck pain is sooo bad that ive been taking pain killers.

Had to take it last night just so that I can even sleep! And now it looks like I’ll need it again tonight..

Arrghhh bad time management end up couldn’t go to the tcm today!

For a good moment I really thght I have dengue! But then again I don’t have a mosquito bite leh…

Haizz and my stomach feels quite unsettled too.. so didn’t eat much since lunch and haven had dinner

Now I’m starting to feel a little hungry… but scrolled the delivery app and nothing appeals…

Awww…. My feet and hands feel cold and my eyes burning..,

God, I pray for your healing power! Please make me feel more comfortable asap! Ameen.. 

Life’s biggest joke

You know, God’s biggest joke on human kind— creating Man & Woman soooo different from each other is 101 millions ways BUT he wants this 2 to live together and procreate.

Maybe some will call it a “test”.. but to me right now, it’s the biggest joke ever!

Marriage, even WITHOUT kids can be a challenge.. but with kids, it’s yet just another factor for more disagreements within the marriage..

You know, I have never felt like a single mum because of all your help with the kids and housework…

but my biggest issue with you is your temper… a fucking nasty temper that gets worse whenever ure stressed out over work or money matters..

Honestly in the past, I will spend the time n effort to baby you and boost your ego back up.. but you know what is a vicious cycle?

When I don’t get back that same affection or silver of love back from you…. I know everything that you do, you do it for the family… but are you speaking my love language?

Do you even bother to understand what’s my love language? The need for connection + conversations! That’s how you can fill up my emotional bank!

It’s not that you don’t know.. it’s that you don’t bother to even try! 

Like how now, I don’t even bother to try motivating you. Some days I even give up trying to speak nice to you. Why? Because ure always frowning and speaking meanly back.

Yes, I’m being very honest here… I’ve considered hard whether I should post this, knowing that maybe you’ll read this.

But if I don’t get this out of my head, I’m really going to go crazy… I’ve no one to talk to, no bloody support and I guess I’ve just lost my best friend.

Every time you throw your temper, know that I’m not a saint with no temper too! In fact I believe I can be worse than you! But do I just any how throw it at you or the kids?

No! But do you bother to hold back when ure angry for whatever petty reasons?

They’re freaking kids but the way you scold them these days……. U can’t control, no, I should use the word MANAGE.. manage your emotions yet you expect that from your kids. Both of whom are not even FIVE! Ridiculous….

Parenthood is fucking hard! It really is! There’s no guidebook or shit…

But I’ve always wanted to work at this together WITH you! But of late, i don’t know why it’s getting harder and harder.

Your temper is as hot as the weather these days. And my patience for you is as little as the rain fall we’re getting……

I can’t seem to get it to you that Don is learning and watching. Even rou is picking up all the bad stuff…

I guess we’re both tired… tired from parenthood. Tired with the challenges in this season of our life.

Tired maybe from one another too? Very honestly, I know I am with you recently. Don’t lie, you’re sick and tired of my ‘nagging’ too.

But fuck, if there is nothing to nag about, you think I crazy and want to ngiam issit? Something is wrong, then I don’t say and just correct it on my own… then it will happen again and again isn’t it? But if say alrdy and it happens again, then shld I just give up and accept it or try to correct it again?

You get my point anot?!?!!! This call nag?

Haizz now even my hp decides to close this before I can type finish..

I’m just going to sleep it off… 

God, please stop giving us these ‘tests’! I know these are not even the “mid-year test standards” but we’re already failing real bad.

Please give us guidance and the gift of patience! Ameen

So so soooooo stressed!

Been more stressed up of late due to poor sales especially RP biz and low funds in bank account.

Doesn’t help that hubs is putting in sooooooooooo little time into work. If he even does something work related, it’s more policy servicing rather than for new sales 🤦🏼‍♀️

The 2 GPP that he closed late March was his teenie mini saving grace. But hello!! 2022 is almost 4 months done!

Worse still, he doesn’t seem to feel the heat. Then again I’m sure he feels awful but somehow he’s soooooo stuck emotionally and mentally that I feel that it’s preventing him from taking action to improve the situation.

And honestly this is making me soooooo damn frustrated.

When I had extra funds, it didn’t feel so painful and urgent— at least I could tank the payments etc.

But then he had lack right, so borrowed and borrowed (and didn’t even return!) till the point that now, I’m almost negative myself!

I think because of how things were when I was young, I now get very anxious and extremely emotionally affected when I don’t have enough—

Like now even having a balance of $500 doesn’t make me feel secure because easily any payment due, already $1000+++ or 1 kid suddenly sick, easily few hundreds…

While I’m very very grateful that he manages quite a lot on the housework side of things and cooking for the family etc, I think at this point of time, I would really really rather having his help in bringing home more income for the family.

Because right now, he’s really being a very expensive ‘helper’! Like a 3k per month helper!

Easily if he puts in time & effort, he can close more sales and help out with more bills..

I nag/sarcastic/encourage/talk positive/stress him out ALL ALSO NO USE!

Honestly, I’m really really fucking frustrated at how he’s like given up on himself with regards to work.

That day said him a little more, he turned all emo on me… say himself no use la, shld go die la 😒🙄

I really dunno how to help you already. Your ego is too big, your emotions are too deep, your thoughts are too private and you keep me at such arms length that my encouragement can’t reach you anymore.

Sigh… rant over..

No more energy already.

I just pray for dear God to see my plight and help my husband to get back on his feet. Help my finances to look healthier and my bank account to be fuller…

Praying for a windfall!! 🙏🏼

Ameen