Lost equilibrium

I believe many of us have been in such a situation:
At a event/gathering you don't want to be at, with people you don't even want to be with, probably even at a time of the day you don't like!

There was a time in my life when I thght that it was MY 'choice' whether to skip such an occassion or not.

But I've come to terms that it's not! Anybody who's any body WILL encounter such get-togethers whether they like it or not.

The reason why I'm typing this is because tonight, as how the company randomly holds a reason to gather in the name of recognition or celebration, it was a major time of awkwardness as usual (at least for me!)

It never used to always be this way. Really! In fact there was a time when I loved such things! Getting all rowdy and high.. Letting it all out.. Enjoying play without any of the work stress.

Then suddenly it all changed. I hated such things. CNY, the award dinners, normal agency trips or outings.....
I just felt tt it became an excuse for some to act just plain dumb and some others to show off...

Till now it became the point tt I'm never at ease at such things... I'm like tt sulky susan or weirdo Wendy sitting in the corner all quiet!

N deep inside, I DON'T wanna be like tt!

I mean I feel so out of place tt sometimes I get all critical on myself!

Am I insecure? Maybe....
Do I look lowly upon myself be it in production at work or appearance? A maybe for work n yes for appearance...

But like I said, I'm not like tt! N if I really dig deeper, I knw this is nt me.

I pride myself for being able to talk all kind of stuff with all kinds of people! Small talk is like my forte!

But it's like when I'm with the office peeps, I don't even bother.. Like I don't even try anymore.....

Sighzz....

I asked the hubs why he thinks I may feel this way... He said it's cos I don't mingle.

But it's all an act!

I sort of concluded tt I changed my actions at such events ever since I learnt tt we were being 'judged' for our every move. Tt this extra knowledge became ammunition for them (aka the bosses) when it got back to work..

Drink too much or know too many party places? 'Ohh, so this is how u spend yr nights... Tts y every morning late right!'

Ok, to be fair they've never said the exact above but Im just exaggerating to prove my point.

Sometimes I don't think they mean anything cynical... End of the day, they just want us to do well right?

N I knw tts what I want too! But life is not like a straight road isn't it! Sometimes we get swayed off the path or we take a wrong turn...
N I feel tt their job as the leaders is to nudge us back.. To remind us of where we wanna go.. Nt whack us n hope tt we wake up.

Aiyah, I'm nt making sense now... Cos firstly it's late n secondly I'm filled with so much displeasure tt I can't think straight!

All I know is that I need to clear my 17k asap!!!! I need to maintain my mdc status! N keep my table!

Dear God, I know you hear me.... Please help me clear this 17k fyc by 1st wk of nov 2014!! Please please please..... I need it... Pls guide me and show me how I can clear this figure.. Please..... Ameen....